she was so not down for the gang bang
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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