I must be too annoying 4 u.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
