Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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