Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Damn victory sex feels great
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
