oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
