You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
