You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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