im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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