Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
