my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Quick, to the slutcave!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
