Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
