im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
