She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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