i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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