dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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