I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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