the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
