Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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