Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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