Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
