Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now