birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
