I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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