We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
