Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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