Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
