How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
