ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
