smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
