What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
