I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
