i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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