I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
