I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
