I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
