Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
