I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
