Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
