why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
