My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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