you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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