Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
