Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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