So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
