i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Found the puke drawer
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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