Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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