So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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