my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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