Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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