the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she peed on how many people?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
