i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
