I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Damn victory sex feels great
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
