Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
