I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
