I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
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Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I am mentally ready for anal.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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