But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
