meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
