I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
