I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We have started to decorate penises.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
