i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
