I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
